UPGRADE · ONE-TIME · LIFETIME
FLY FIRST CLASS
WITH MARLENE
One charge. Marlene gets noticeably worse. You get noticeably more.
ECONOMY · ZONE 5
FREE
$0 forever, basically
- ✓ 1 commute drop per day
- ✓ 6 base personality axes
- ✓ Boarding pass card (with watermark)
- ✓ Public leaderboard
- ✓ Streak tracking
- ✗ Unlimited drops
- ✗ 6 bonus axes
- ✗ Lifetime archive
- ✗ Marlene's extended monologues
FIRST CLASS
UNLIMITED · LIFETIME
$1.99
One-time. Pay once. Marlene cries forever.
- ✓ Unlimited drops, no daily limit
- ✓ All 6 base axes + 6 bonus axes
- ✓ Watermark removed from boarding pass
- ✓ Lifetime archive of every diagnosis
- ✓ Extended dejected monologues
- ✓ Occasional sobbing parentheticals
- ✓ ON-AIR RESIGNATION at streak day 7
FULL AXIS MANIFEST
12 WAYS TO BE INSUFFERABLE
✓ DELUSION
✓ PUNCTUALITY-RAGE
✓ SEAT-ENTITLEMENT
✓ SMALL-TALK TOLERANCE
✓ OVERHEAD-BIN HUBRIS
✓ HORN-USE LIBERALISM
🔒 RAGE-HONKING
🔒 LANE-CHANGING-FOR-SPORT
🔒 PODCAST-SKIP-RATE
🔒 SIGH-FREQUENCY
🔒 MIRROR-GLANCE-JUDGMENT
🔒 PARALLEL-PARK-SHAME
FAQ
Is this a subscription?
No. One-time $1.99. Lifetime. Marlene cannot afford a subscription model.
Will Marlene actually resign?
Yes. On day 7 of your paid streak, she delivers a brief on-air resignation announcement. We do not know if she comes back.
Refunds?
If you do not laugh once, email us. We'll refund and tell Marlene she let another one go.
Why $1.99?
It's the price of a small airport coffee. Which Marlene cannot afford.